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In this dreamlike vision
I lay in her lap,
while her golden hair
flows in the gentle wind,
On the beach.
Is this real?
I reach up to touch her
but she is gone... gone... gone
and I am laying on the sand.
Looking skyward I see her
in a vision.
She searches for me,
calling my name, saying,
"I am his and he is mine."
I try to get back
to find her
and that infinite beach
where we would walk hand-in-hand
or lay on the sand
holding each other
together
forever.
The vision -
the dream -
(incomplete)
the love
never ends...
the dream never
ends.
Notes on the poem: This poem was read at a poetry reading in Wilmington. I read this poem the first time as an expression of my eternal love for Lynn. I wanted to proclaim a love that was biblical in nature. I had no idea at the time that things would change later.
Yet if you think about the inspiration for this poem there is a sense of two people looking for one another and feeling lost or unable to find one another. There is another inspiration for this poem that I need to include to fully appreciate where I am going with this line of thinking.
I think I was thinking of this one when I wrote the poem "I Wrote A Love Poem Once" which appears earlier in this book. In that poem, I can't seem to remember how the poem went. Now, obviously, the poem has come back to me.
I first read this at the weekly poetry readings at the Coastline Convention Center in Wilmington overlooking the Cape Fear River. My friend Thomas Childs who wrote the introduction to this collection was probably there when I read this poem the first time.
I wanted to surprise Lynn with the poem and declare my love at the same time.
It was a Sunday in late May of 1994, nearly two years after we started seeing each other. The sun was sinking low, and the room was getting slightly dark.
There was a slightly dim light up front near the podium. The poem was inspired by a story from the old testament and a song by the Electric Prunes called "I Had Too Much To Dream (Last Night)."
I was still a Christian back then. I am not a believer now. I am choosing the word "believer" carefully because the song was heard by me when I watched a horror story called "The Believers."
Lynn had a belief in supernatural things, but she was not Christian.
Anyway, I thought the title was somewhat unoriginal. "Dream-like Visions from the Song of Songs." "The Song of Songs" is called "The Song of Solomon" by Protestants. I heard the song "I Had Too Much To Dream" when I was watching a movie called "The Believers."
There is little that is more magical than being able to get up in front of a room of people and declare your undying love for another person. I could feel the driving power of the song...
I loved the applause. It was so obvious what this was about! People were stopping me as I walked away from the podium.
Everyone that knew me, all of our mutual friends and acquaintances, knew that this was dedicated to Lynn and inspired by my love for Lynn.
I then sat next to Lynn at the table as someone else was about to start reading. I noticed Lynn was doodling. One of our mutual friends said how much he liked the poem. I turned to Lynn and said, "well, what are your thoughts?"
"What?" she said in the form of a question. "I'm sorry I wasn't listening."
I just shook my head and smiled. She added, "I thought you were only reading poems I already heard." I could tell she was embarrassed. Her face was blushing. She added, "Oh, I'm so sorry sweetie. Let me read it."
I handed it to her and turned to face her, moving closer, my arms rested on her chair and I leaned in, tilting my head, and slowly brought my lips to hers... she was too embarrassed to be the one to part lips, I felt aroused as she held my lips there, with her hands on both sides of my face. Just for a moment – there were others.
"It's okay," I said. And with a smile, I added "you know what... I really love you."
"I love you too, honey."
She then looked down and read the poem.
This would become an inside joke for us. I would kid her about this in different ways... maybe something like "If I share a poem about our love I hope Lynn is listening?"
Her way of making up for this in the future was to read my poem on various occasions when she didn't have anything else to read. She would ask if I had the poem and then share it with the group. I can't count the number of times that happened. It demonstrated her appreciation and recognition of the value of our love.
It is unmistakable the anguished cry that the singer expresses when singing those words "you were gone, gone, gone."
There would come a day when Lynn's illness would end our relationship. I hear the singer at the end repeating in painful tones of tragic despair about having too much to dream about.
I heard this song in different ways at different times. When I was first writing my poem, I liked the sensual imagery. I celebrated the natural way that two people who are in love and committed to one another for life share their bodies as an expression of love. Some religions can make us feel guilty about sensual love and that just doesn't make sense. Lynn and I were a couple, committed to one another forever. We were living as husband and wife and I had no idea of anyone or anything else than this life that I had.
There is another way to listen to the song. We hear "then came the dawn and you were gone, gone, gone." Something nightmarishly tragic later did happen to me and the relationship that was of such infinite value to me.
Part of the tragedy for me was that I blamed myself for the loss of the relationship. I had a relationship that created a life for me that exceeded in joy my wildest dreams. Then, tragically, in 2000, Lynn became so ill. We had known a life together that had been routine but in a good way - familiar, comfortable, joyful, and right. I couldn't cope with that ... other things were happening in my life as well.
I thought it was all on me that the relationship ended and that I wasn't there for Lynn when she became ill. I felt shame and self-loathing.
Therefore, when I listen to the song now, I hear darkness and despair. The singer(s) is crying or moaning with pain following the loss of something that matters so much.
We don't want to wake up sometimes... during those moments, in dreams or memories, when we are there at the point of greatest contentment, we want to stay there.
Anyway, what really matters most to me are relationships and love. Second, only to my career as a clinical social worker helping others, is the joy and happiness I found in being loved and loving someone.
Joy has a definition that can include happiness and yet I find myself tempted to use both words to capture the sense that I am trying to convey. Elsewhere in my creative non-fiction books, I employ imagery in a different way to convey certain experiences.
The song lyrics are included below for reference. The song now must be heard laying down and with the opportunity to cry if necessary.
Last night your shadow fell upon my lonely room
I touched your golden hair and tasted your perfume
Your eyes were filled with love the way they used to be
Your gentle hand reached out to comfort me
Then came the dawn
And you were gone
You were gone, gone, gone
I had too much to dream last night
Too much to dream
I'm not ready to face the light
I had too much to dream
Last night
Last night
The room was empty as I staggered from my bed
I could not bear the image racing through my head
You were so real that I could feel your eagerness
And when you raised your lips for me to kiss
Came the dawn
And you were gone
You were gone, gone, gone...
Oh, too much to dream
Oh, too much to dream
Too much to dream last night
Oh, too much to dream
Oh, too much to dream
Oh, too much to dream