Chapter 27: Potential Barriers to Employment - forever

I had to face it. It started with the job offer that would have the familiar disclaimer that the job was contingent upon a background check. Each time, I would wonder, would they tell me that there was not a problem because it was so long ago when the crime occurred - eighteen or more years ago?

I did receive support from another agency that would be powerful in my quest to return to the mental health field. I had experienced some sexual trauma and so I turned to the Orange County Rape Crisis Center (OCRCC). Like any other survivor, I questioned whether I deserved help or whether there were more deserving people out there.

I was connected with support groups that they facilitated and I received case management services. Kari, a case manager at OCRCC was very helpful, a great listener, a great group facilitator and a caring person. Kari used the same pronouns that I was using now - they/them/their.

They shared case law that was happening to see if it would relate in any way to my situation. We already knew that due to the statute of limitations and other barriers, including biases and the lack of an investigation, it was close to impossible that anything could be done.

Kari also wrote something on the OCRCC letterhead asking that the North Carolina Social Work Certification and Licensure Board (NCSWCLB) overlook what might be found in a background check. They wrote a similar letter on OCRCC letterhead addressed “To whom it may concern” for potential employers.

The letter addressed obvious biases in the justice system about who can be a victim. This was a reference to the fact that Ana was a woman and I was male. The letter also addressed how perpetrators use the criminal justice system to further harm their victims.

The accusation that Ana made was sexual in nature. I didn’t know if the background check would reveal that when the case did not end with a conviction for anything sexual. Kidnapping was serious enough. Anyway, if anything of a sexual nature was on the background check, a letter from OCRCC would carry a great deal of weight. After all, they served survivors of sexual assault and usually the victims are women.

In personal correspondence with Kari, they explained that others who were victims were treated as if they were the perpetrator. I was wondering if there was a way to support one another but that would mean somehow identifying those who had similarly been failed by the justice system that is supposed to protect us.

Let’s review the past few years history of my employment as a Certified Peer Support Specialist (CPSS).

I received my credentials as CPSS in July of 2021. So, when I started looking for work initially, it was about 17 years since the injustice occurred. I had not worked in the field of mental health in a very long time. My interviewing skills were a bit rusty. I had to explain the gaps in my employment history and why I had not been working in the mental health field.

It took a while but I was hired to work at Cottage Health care Services in February of 2022. This was about 5 months since I was certified. This job was part time, so I jumped at a job at RHA which was going to be full-time. I wanted a full-time job in the field. I wanted much more income than what Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI), aka disability, was paying me - near poverty level wages.

I also believed it would be healthier for me to see my potential and utilize more of my potential than to remain as a disabled person. I was beginning to think of myself as someone who had been psychologically disabled, overwhelmed, or sick but the causes for that condition were decades in the past. I wanted to declare that I was recovered, no longer sick, no longer disabled. Remaining on disability would reinforce the idea that I was disabled forever.

Working for Cottage Healthcare Services was very rewarding. I was able to spend hours each week with a few clients and to make a big difference in their lives. I had been recognized as having accomplished that by my coworkers. Yet, it was part-time work. I had wanted to continue working with some of my clients that I had through Cottage but that was not practical.

I continued interviewing for work and found an opportunity at RHA. I was hired by RHA on my birthday - April 22, 2022.

They were offering an advancement in title and it would be full-time work. At this time, I had an IPS (Individual Placement Services) employment specialist named Matt - he headed up the program to help people who had been disabled or who had been receiving mental health and related services to find employment.

I had been receiving IPS services for some time which had been funded by the Division of Vocational Rehabilitation Services (VR), the same agency that paid for my training to be a CPSS.

Matt and my Vocational Rehabilitation Services counselor cautioned me not to give my two weeks notice to Cottage until I had the go ahead from RHA that I could be hired despite the serious criminal conviction on my permanent record.

While some people in my life said it shouldn’t matter after 7 years or some other number of years. The fact that one cannot get the kind of crime for which I had been convicted expunged (ever), suggested that it could follow me forever and hold me back.

Both Matt and I had spoken to the individual at RHA who had hired me (his name escapes me) and explained the situation. The individual who hired me saw good in me and believing in my character, believing I was a decent and moral person. He promised to fight for me, advocate for me. That being said, we still needed to be certain that there would not be problems with my job offer. We didn’t want to lose the one job that I did have in the field which would leave me with nothing.

Eventually, I was contacted by the individual who made me the offer and I was told that he had been given the go ahead from the company to bring me on as an employee. It was at this point that I gave my two week’s notice to Cottage Health Care Services. I felt bad about leaving the clients that I had helped but I had to have full-time employment and I wasn’t getting that with Cottage.

In addition, with Cottage, I was a contract employee. I was not compensated for mileage (a CPSS often transports clients in their own vehicle) nor did I receive any benefits such as paid sick time, paid vacation.

With the assurance that I could work for RHA, which seemed to have come from the proper department at the company, I discontinued working at Cottage on Friday and started at RHA on Monday. I began by shadowing the other Peer Support Specialists and completing orientation and onboarding.

Then after returning to work after the Memorial Day weekend, I was told not to meet with anyone and to come meet with the supervisors on the unit - people above the manager who hired me. I was told that the job was not a good fit. I had no idea why this was happening. Had I insulted someone while I was shadowing them?

I was immediately asked to surrender my badge for entering the building and anything else they provided me.

It was after speaking with a coworker that I learned that it had to do with something in my background! Eighteen years after the injustice and victimization, I was again being impacted by a lie.

Luckily, I soon found another position. I was hired by Freedom House Recovery Center. I had been there for therapy in the past. Previously, I had applied for a different position with Freedom House and the clinical director asked if I was applying for the clinical position that they had listed. During this conversation, I had explained that I did not have my clinical licensure and somehow the topic of the trauma of injustice came up.

I had mentioned that among other things, as a result of the victimization, I had gone on to get my credentials as a Certified Peer Support Specialist. She had said she was sorry that happened to me with a sense of compassion. I thanked her for her concern. At this time, nothing came of that job listing.

Now in late July, I was hired to work on the Mobile Crisis Unit starting on August 1, 2022. When I got the job offer, I shared the letter from OCRCC and mentioned what would come up on a background check. This was discussed with Human Resources (HR) only. When I met with Human Resources at Freedom House as I was about to start my job, I brought a copy of the letter from OCRCC and I repeated what would be found in a background check. I knew that they probably didn’t get the background check information yet.

The lady in HR just said that unless you are a serial killer things will be fine. She may have been exaggerating but it put my mind at ease. I believed that nothing as serious as murder was on my record.

The job duties were like that of a caseworker or peer bridge. My role was to follow-up with people and sometimes their families if the crisis involved a minor. Indeed, after the first meeting with the lady in HR, I did not receive any feedback or concern from human resources or any other department.

I soon settled into the position and grew. I was pushed by my supervisor to build up a list or service providers and resources that I would know which would prepare me to serve people across several counties from Durham, north and west of that area. I would travel up to about an hour for an appointment with a client.

I met with clients of all ages, out in the community, often at their homes. I was confident and competent which added to my self-esteem and self-worth. With my newly found confidence, I was able to focus on the clients that I was serving. I could thus pick up body language and non-verbal communication.

I met with children even which tragically had at one time seemed like it would be impossible. It was not long before I was no longer giving a second thought to what had been done to me and what I feared people might think about me. I, obviously, had no reason to mention that I had once been accused of a violent crime.

Clients didn’t need to know. I learned that my supervisor didn’t even know nor did my coworkers know what had been alleged and for which I had been (falsely) convicted. I wasn’t hiding it nor was I afraid someone would find out and then let me know I couldn’t be trusted.

It was as if I had been able to move past my past. Previously, even if someone didn’t know, I was overly concerned about people finding out.

Now, I embraced the truth of who I am and had always been - peaceful, gentle, empathic, caring, and compassionate.

My supervisor was named Sherisse. She noticed that I was trying to get her to notice my improvements. She was aware that I had a background in social work and had been a therapist. This put me ahead of other candidates for this position.

I needed the recognition by Sherisse because I had submitted my application for recertification with the NCSWCLB, aka “The Board.” They were advising me to apply for the level of LCSWA - Licensed Clinical Social Worker Associate. This meant I would still have to work under the supervision of a licensed clinician. Towards the end of 2023, I told Sherisse that I was applying for this role and that I needed a professional reference. In particular, I needed a supervisor to do this.

The Board said that even though I was working in a role that was not a social work role, my supervisor in this role would be able to meet the Board’s requirements.

Sherisse was not certain at first. I hoped that the fact that I would be supervised in the role of LCSWA would make her more comfortable making the recommendation. In fact, my overly eager efforts to gain her recognition were undermining her confidence in my capabilities and appropriateness for the role of therapist.

She had mentioned that I try other jobs to get more social work related experience or experience in a different setting where I could grow under the direct guidance of someone who worked more closely with me. Sherisse was not going out with me on calls. She did follow-up with calling and speaking to people I served. There were many people that she could contact.

I had received over 200 referrals. There were 6 staff members who went out on the initial crisis call and they all made referrals to me to follow-up with them.

At one point, Sherisse started mentioning RHA as a place I might apply for employment opportunities.

I asked her, “do you know about what I had to report when I was hired - what had come up on my background check?”

She didn’t know.

“I was brutally assaulted back in 2004 but the perpetrator went to the police and falsely claimed that I attacked her. I was coerced and threatened by my lawyer, a public defender, to take a plea deal. I was infinitely more shy than I am now. So, I couldn’t summon the air or strength to articulate the words to a judge that I did not like what my lawyer was making me do.”

I didn’t think I was very shy at this point, but Sherisse was shocked by the statement that I could have been so much more shy. I added, “now I have a criminal record that includes a violent felony and RHA had let me go because of this.”

Sherisse stated how violence and me do not go together. She said, referring to herself, “I would fight sooner than you would.”

I said an emphatic , “thank you.”

I was thinking about the situation with my girlfriend at the time who was being less reasonable and rational in my mind with regard to this matter. My girlfriend and I had been seeing each other for a few months at this point. I had spoken of what happened to me - what Ana did to me.

My friend Sarah had suggested that I get all the records from the Durham police department. With the help of my own Peer Support Specialist who was supporting me, I found the courage to go there. The last time I had been to the police station or reached out to them - it was for help back in 2004. They ended up putting me, the victim, in jail.

In a way, I wish I had never been there to find out what Ana had claimed originally. There is something profoundly disturbing even if it is not true. Having one’s name and self accused of something, even if it has no basis in the truth is still something that one doesn’t want to vocalize or read.

Despite the innocent until proven guilty mentality, we sometimes think that a claim, an accusation could be true. I can’t imagine ever sharing this detail in any public setting for this reason.

Ana had originally used even more disturbing lies to describe what had happened. Not only was she falsely claiming to be a victim, but she was also making a claim that was even more heinous. I know this only because Sarah, having still believed I could get justice thought I should gather all the information I could from the police on the case. I went with my Peer Support Specialist because the last time I reached out to the Durham police for protection and justice, they ended up questioning me for crimes that Ana had falsely claimed which put her, the perpetrator, in the position of victim.

I asked what appeared to be a receptionist at the police station for all records of any reports that included my name on them. I had lived in Durham for a number of years. I was hoping to find something to help me, to make me feel better. I was being handed multiple sheets of paper. Some had me listed as the victim. One included the words “forcible rape.” Those were words that I NEVER thought anyone would even imagine uttering in any context that involved me.

I could barely process what I saw on the page. I asked the receptionist lady, “I never heard about this. No one ever mentioned this. What does this mean?”

She said, “well that means they didn’t believe her.”

It was disturbing enough to know that for a few moments (several minutes) some detective started writing a report that included that charge.

The entire case was about two decades old. There was no possibility of it being reopened and there was no chance at a trial or any action in a courtroom. Yet, for my friend Sarah, what should happen - my right to justice - was a matter that I should pursue.

All these shoulds despite the fact that the system doesn’t allow a do-over, or any court action or activity.

On top of that, in 2023, my new girlfriend later after this, heard me vocalize the disturbing claim made by Ana. According to her, I should have mentioned, amplified, a totally and completely fabricated claim that up until this point, I had never known and might otherwise have never learned.

This girlfriend claimed that ommission is the same as lying or being less than truthful. With Sarah the actual specific charges of kidnapping and not assault were incidental. The big picture of me being the victim remained.

Just because a sentence can be uttered doesn’t mean it should be repeated!

The fact was that I was attacked by Ana. I didn’t even defend myself. I didn’t do anything wrong. Therefore anything and everything that presented Ana as the victim was totally and completely false. She was the perpetrator!

I was livid and disgusted by the way this girlfriend had characterized my communication to her about what happened to me. I merely forgot who I told what. The gist of the story was true. We had discussed the fact that guys are sometimes put in a position where even self defense or stopping a female attacker is not allowed.

The girlfriend had issues with personal space and she was very introverted. Despite my social intelligence, in a personal relationship it’s harder to be an objective observer. I might have missed a few cues where she wanted a little extra space. I might have occasionally forgotten to ask for consent to touch her. None of the women I had ever been with had rules and needs like this. There was nothing wrong with her asking for this but simple mistakes on my part were never followed up with anything remotely related to a threat.

She may have felt intimidated in her experiences with other guys but no one, no woman had ever requested or needed as much consent after so much time together or as much space. It was a fair request but any errors on my part were never accompanied with threats. If I said what I wanted, it was never accompanied with anything remotely related to a threat if she did not comply.

I was being lumped into a bucket with other guys who had hurt or frightened her.

This is the background in which Sherisse was talking about how much violence and me do not go together and I had responded with an emphatic “thank you.” And Sherisse said that she would fight before I would.

To the girlfriend a person can have a dark secret desire and practice of harming others and appear normal. To most other people, like Sherisse, the nature of a person is revealed in our interactions with that person - all the cues that we notice. My cat had always been so trusting, never scratchign, always laying on her back and letting me pet his belly without a single reaction on his part.

This was a sign of trust. At some level we, like animals, have to trust our instincts and the repeated interactions with a person and our observations of that person. So, for my cat, whatever someone might say is not going to matter at all. He was observing me, my nature, my character… able to notice in my case that I am safe all the time. Even when I am walking fast, he didn’t look up to see if I was aware of his presence and whether I would safely avoid him.

Things never ended up working out for me and the girlfriend. I let myself believe I was in love or that I loved her. She was beautiful and I was attracted to her. However, many of the aspects of love were missing. I had never felt comfortable with her.

If only the job with Freedom House had continued I might be in a similar place psychologically now that I was during this period. Sherisse began to tell me that the Mobile Crisis Unit was having budget problems and there might be a need for cutbacks. Eventually, they were looking at having the first responders that went out on crisis calls doing the work that I had been doing to follow up with clients after the initial crisis call.

I was offered the opportunity to work on the Crisis Unit. It was interesting that on the Mobile Crisis Unit, where a crisis could be whatever someone considered a crisis, we were dealing with more mental health crises than crises caused by substance use - mind altering substances, often illicit substances.

I thought that the Crisis Unit would be versatile and adaptable to any type of crisis that a person might be facing. In reality, when I got over there, I found out that the unit was actually a detox unit.

I had taken the position on the Crisis Unit, initially thinking that it would be a transition where I would continue to do work with the Mobile Crisis Unit while also doing work on the Crisis Unit. I had worked with clients, while employed on the Mobile Crisis Unit, who had crises that were related to substance use and at times they were brought to the Crisis Unit. Freedom House, like any similar company seemed to have regulations that meant that a person could only have one job position and role at a time.

Therefore, when I started on the Crisis Unit, this meant a complete severing of all work on the Mobile Crisis Unit. I was now dealing exclusively with substance use disorders, or addictions. I didn’t have experience in this area and that was about to be a problem.