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He lived an as-if life.
When he asked himself
what was different about himself
now versus just months ago.
He held two contradictory beliefs at once...
He knew there was nothing different
about his nature or character
than existed just months ago,
but he also wasn't fully
himself.
He had been part of
a family
a couple...
He had a home.
Now he had no home -
no one who would
care
about his arrival and departure...
no one who wanted him...
the same one who delighted
in his career success,
couldn't prevent its loss.
He didn't look any different...
didn't have any different
character or morals...
But he began to see himself
the way he had been told
others would see someone
like this.
No, he KNEW
others saw him differently.
Thus he held two contradictory views
at the same time
about himself.
The reality he knew
and the as-if vie of himself
that he held -
the as-if view of himself
based on the assumptions
he felt others surely held
about him,
as if these assumptions
were true.
He began to think of himself
as if he was a different person...
as if he must be an alcoholic (?)
or an addict -
without the alcohol
or drugs...
as if he was
lazy.
Though, while certainly not lazy,
he was losing hope - motivation.
Little by little,
these false and contradictory beliefs
became entangled with
the assumptions
regarding the
as-if person he had become.