Chapter 4 – Falling in Love
After the loss of Celta, I doubted my ability to love again or succeed as a social worker because I had my own problems so how could I help others. What I couldn’t predict was that I wound fall in love and discover just how amazing it would be to live as husband and wife, to love and be loved.
Moving to Wilmington for a technical writing job was what I needed to get back on track.
I was sacrificing the chance for a higher salary as an engineer because I felt compelled to assist others. Engineering held no real value for me, no matter how much money it could bring. The satisfaction of helping people through my work was more important to me than any salary or title. Plus, I would never get hired because I wasn’t an actor and couldn’t convince a would be employer that I was interested in any engineering job.
Because of my increased confidence in my ability to write poetry, I forced myself to attend the first of many open mic poetry readings at the Coastline Convention Center and committed myself that first evening to getting in front of others and sharing my poetry. I was aware that therapists have to lead therapy groups, so I better get used to being the center of attention.
The emcee was Dusty who was like a mother figure to me - kind and welcoming - this might have made it easier. After that first event, I started attending the readings and sharing my poetry every Sunday.
I started reading poems about the grief and loss of Celta and didn’t think I would ever find love again. I wrapped myself in the warmth and comfort that was created on these Sundays. This reflected my personality and desire to nurture experiences like this for myself and others. Life should be like that for everyone.
While attending these events, I met someone who interested me. I somehow found the courage to ask her out to attend a large poetry reading that was going to be held on Carolina Beach. This was a bigger event than the regular open mic events where I met Lynn. To my amazement she accepted my invitation and gave me her number.
On that first weekend together, at the end of the day on the 4th of July, when she was asked by someone she knew if I was her boyfriend, she said, “no, we are just friends.” That had to be fine, I told myself, because I didn’t want to push her away. I just let things happen with us together.
After that I would see her every day. It would be Lynn who created the opportunity to formalize one year later that we were more than just friends. I liked the egalitarian nature of the relationship. One year later, we decided together to get engaged.
Seeing tears of joy when I gave her the ring was so profoundly moving. I could think of nothing more valuable than bringing joy to another person. She had even known that I was bringing the ring that day because the person at the jewelry shop had said “your fiancé can pick up the ring on Monday.”
Helping people to heal as a therapist was another dream of mine that I was awaiting. It was obviously different than an exclusive relationship with a life partner but playing a transformative role in the lives of others was part of my dream and part of what I knew I wanted.
After getting engaged, Lynn's mother offered to buy us a house where we could live as husband and wife.
During our years together, it was amazing. I loved giving gifts and sharing my love for Lynn with others, even complete strangers. It felt spiritual. Even though I am shy, I still wanted to share details about my life as if I had discovered something full of awe and wonder and I wanted others to know about how good life could be.
We argued quite often but that was ironically what made this relationship healthy and I had developed a stable attachment style. If I said something hurtful, I would make amends right away.
For years we lived as husband and wife. I never took what I had for granted. I certainly never did anything that could cause Lynn to love me any less than what we were sharing. It never made sense to me the way some people do things to their spouses because they think that they have them and they won’t leave.
This experience of love is a story in itself. I truly couldn’t imagine it ending.